What does my Mother in law hate me? Part 2

My previous posting (click link here) uncovered some reasons on why mother in law behaves in a certain way. However even with understanding and emphathy, it can never take away the frustrations and heart aches when dealing with an unreasonable mother in law.

These are my 5 tips on how to handle the situation, it will probably not solve the problem but hopefully it will help.

1) Patience is a virtue – This is utmost importance and if you have patience, half your problems will be solved. See no evil, hear no evil, say no evil.

2) Distance is sometimes better - If you have the opportunity at the begining to not stay with in-laws, please do so. It is the best way to start a marriage.

3) Make sure your hubby in on your side - This is a tricky one because one is his mom and the other is his wife. However for your sanity, he must be on your side. But you must play your cards well too. Never make him choose between his mother or you. Remember don’t bad mouth your mother in-law. Inform your husband of every single situation and make him understand and ensure he will stand by you. Don't nag or act hysterical.

4) Be a level above - Don’t fight back ( it will only give her reasons to torture you further) but also don’t be run over. Be confident and stated what is right in a "nice" way. You must always be one level above your mother in law. Don’t stoop to her level and play the same game. Play a higher level game like you are not affected. Don’t shout back, don’t break down in front of her.

5) Be the agent of change for the future – Knowing what you know, please do not do it to your son’s wife in future. Break the curse.

Why does my mother-in law hate me?

Any of you ladies out there is encountering this issue? Is this one of your laments? Do you have a hate hate relationship with your mother in-law? Does she make your life misearable? Is your mother in law butting in your life?

So why are mother in laws out to make their daughter in law’s life miserable? From my observations of my own family and from friends, these are reasons I can think of. It is important to understand what is causing them to behave a particular way.

1. You will always be the outsider.
This is a fact and the sooner you accept it the better. You have just come into a family that have 20-30 years history together. You are an outsider, you will not always get the same treatment as the other members, it may not be fair but it is reality. For eg, I noticed that some mother in law will always ask her own children to come eat dinner after she has cooked but she never ask the daughter in law. Face the fact, from a ranking standpoint, to her eyes you are last in the list. And since she prepared dinner (which she probably is not happy that you did not help) she likely will not even ask you to come eat.

2. It is the only way mother in laws know how to treat daughter in laws.

It is the way she was treated and that is the only way she knows how to treat you. This all trace back to history of how a son is regarded as the carrier of the family name and thus a son heir is so important especially so in a Chinese family. The girl adopts the husband’s name. She is like sold out, no value to the family. This has given a more superior position to the sons and thus they are treated like the kings. The girl is considered second class and she was likely treated even worse by her mother in law. This unfortunate treatment just continuing in the next generation. My grandma is one such example…she was badly treated by her mother in law (you know during the 1930s when daughters are married in the family and almost instantly expected to take care of the household ie clean, cook, wash etc) Though my grandma will never admit it, but throughout the years, I realized she don’t have anything nice things to say about all her daughter in laws.

3. She feels threatened by your presence

She used to be head of the household, the only woman taking care of the needs of the family, her son. You are seen as competition. If you don’t help out with household chores – you are a bad wife. If you help with household chores – you are butting in. You can never do right cos your mother in law is threatened by your presence.

4. No one is good enough for her son

Being protective of her son, she will try to find faults with you just to prove that you are not good enough. If you are so good, it will make her less than perfect. Therefore, she will never admit that you are too good for her son. You may asked why she does not treat her daughter’s husband the same way with the mentality that nobody is good enough for her daughter. Seriously, to some extent she also feels that but she can’t treat her son-in law bad cos her daughter has married away and she can only hope that her son in law will treat her well. So her natural instinct is to be nice to her son in law.

5. Don’t bite the “breast” that fed you.

She fears that you will take her son away from her. She was her son’s caregiver, she is who he runs to when he is sick, she prepares his food etc etc, she was put on a pedestal by her son. She feels that you are replacing her place. And her son has betrayed her, love her less. To put it crudely, he is now running to your breast! :) It is a difficult adjustment for her and managing the fear that her son will not love her anymore. One of my friends’ mother in law's nightmare story is about money. She seem to want all her sons money and she always have hurtful words about how useless her daughter in law is cos she makes so little money and need to rely on her son for everything.

Do you have any nightmare mother in law stories? Do share…

This reminds me of the movie Monster in Law starring Jane Fonda and Jennifer Lopez. Watch below for a little laugh.

If you have a monster in law, what should you do? Wait…for my next posting.